Hedgehog Day
by books4evah
Summary: What happens on Hedgehog Day stays on Hedgehog day. The explanation of how one pair strappy shoes, one Cupid costume, one jack-in-the-box, and one feminine name determine one relationship's fate. Post-Hogwarts marauders. James/Lily Frank/Alice


**Hedgehog Day**

By books4evah (finally, right? Another story from her. It's been ages….)

_Summary: What happens on Hedgehog Day stays on Hedgehog day. The explanation of how one pair strappy shoes, one Cupid costume, one jack-in-the-box, and one female name determine one relationship's fate.. Post-Hogwarts Marauders._

AN: Hey, it's been a LONG time since I've written anything, huh? What? Like ten months? Well, I've had this idea for a while (since Feb.), and was too lazy to get down to writing it. And then my hard drive crashed in late May/June, and I lost all the plans. So then it took till July for me to remember, and start rewriting the plans and try to start writing. Now, before you read it, please note that I'm not an expert with pregnancy! I'm not, and have never been pregnant (at least, I hope I haven't), and so, it's not perfect, alright? Read this with a grain of salt, and just pretend the characters are all idiots. It shouldn't be so hard for Sirius. Also. No offense to Americans. I am an American. It just sort of came out when I was typing, and voila, American jokes!

OO **November 25 **OO

Snap. Crackle. Pop.

The sky was full of it. And not the creepy talking cereal kind. The really dangerous type made out of chemicals that explode in the air, and could probably kill people easily.

Otherwise known as fireworks.

But Matilda liked being cynical better.

She was seventy-two years old, and God dammit she wanted peace and quiet. Loud noises made her dentures fall out. Don't question.

"Earl!" she hollered. "Get out here!"

Her husband shuffled out, hand on his back. "What? What were you saying?"

"Those hooligans are at it again! Lighting up fireworks! At this time of night!"

"Hooligans, dear?"

"Hmph. I can't see how someone could be so inconsiderate. Guy Fawkes Night was almost three weeks ago!"

Earl put his hand on hers. "It could be the Americans, dear."

"Don't get me started on the Americans! Don't even know who Guy Fawkes is, half of them! They don't respect Guy Fawkes Night for us- but they expect us to keel over for them on July fourth! What a load of poppycock."

"Yes, poppycock, darling."

"They shouldn't even be celebrating their 'independence day'! Who would want to be separate from the British Empire? Who?"

"I don't know, darling."

"And they're fat," Matilda sniffed.

"Who, dear?"

"Why, the Americans!"

"Ah. Maybe you should just enjoy the fireworks, cupcake."

"Well, I never!" Matilda cried, and stomped off in a fury.

Back up in the heavens, the dark purple sky of twilight was being lit up by quick flashes of green, red, yellow, blue, and other colors. Maybe Matilda and Earl could believe that the science of pyrotechnics could have advanced so much in so little time, but most bystanders would be able to tell those flashes weren't really fireworks.

In the distance, amid the trees, in a style not too different from guerilla warfare, were people only present in the dreams of young children (and sometimes maybe some not-so-young children).

This, as you may have realized, is not a story of Matilda and Earl- the highly intolerant wife, and her passive husband- that is a story for another time. Another, more boring time. This is a story of Death Eaters versus the Order of the Phoenix. More accurately, this is of the trials of a certain few of the Order. Who they are, and what their trials are is left for you to read and find out. (The author figures it should be fairly easy). Suspend your disbelief- and remember the story is in jest (and you shouldn't be insulted and kill the author). It means not to offend.

Anyway, enough with the author trying to prematurely apologize for anything insulting. (Sorry, Americans. I really don't mean it). Hey, hey. I said stop it!

Okay… that's better.

(Sorry).

I _will _kill you.

Whatever.

Where and when we pick up this story leads us to one Marlene McKinnon, panting heavily behind a tree. Slowly, she tries to poke her head out, to see what's happening behind her, and as soon as she does, an orange flash of light passes by her head- and she quickly ducks back.

"Crap," she muttered, turning her arm, and observing a large cut on it, and as she raised her want to heal it, a high pitched scream broke out.

The panicked Marlene sprinted towards the source of the noise, approaching a crumpled Hestia Jones.

"Unicorn turds," she hissed to herself. Hestia didn't look good at all. "Fenwick!"

Benjy turned on his heel automatically, barely missing a nasty looking curse. "What?"

"Do me a favor, and get Hestia to Mungo's."

"Sure thing," Benjy said, and rushed over to the crumpled woman.

"Thanks!" Marlene called behind her, as she hurried off to help more of the fallen. Sometimes being the only healer in the order wasn't a walk in the park, or a piece of cake, or easy as pie. Sometimes it was more likely to be dead as a doornail. If you'd excuse the grotesque pun.

This was how the fight went on- how every fight went on. Marlene ran around, casting occasional spells at the Death Eaters, but more likely helping to treat her fellow Order members. She'd either send them to better facilities, or simply wave her wand, and watch them as if they were zombies- or really, Inferi, getting back up mindlessly to fight more, and most likely fall more- and harder.

It was terrible. The disgusting 'duty' that the Order felt due to the wizard world. It was supposedly for a better world for their children- but how does that work when you don't live long enough for children?

Of course, suicide is the lesser of two evils, when you compare it to to the Death Eaters. At least they aren't staying the side, letting the followers kill the innocent.

So, whether they were stupid, or heroes, it's up to you.

As Marlene was bent over Sturgis Podmore, she heard a commotion. As this was per usual, she didn't look up.

Until James Potter yelled, "Watch out, McKinnon!" and cast a shield in front of her.

"Are you all right?" James asked, looking at her.

Marlene nodded quickly- and saw a flash of green.

"JAMES!" screamed the nearby Lily Evans.

And with that he fell.

Even though Lily was further away, she got to James first, holding his head, and checking his vitals as best she could.

Marlene looked him over, and glanced over at Lily. "He should be fine- it's just his shield was so hasty he'll probably be out for a bit."

Lily sobbed with relief.

"Get him home- and for the next two or so hours, don't use any magic on him, just in case," Marlene advised, and seeing Dorcas Meadowes getting a particularly evil looking curse in the head, added, "Now I have to go."

Lily thoughtlessly grabbed James' arm, and was already spinning, when she realized apparating was magic. And that she couldn't levitate him either.

So she began to drag her boyfriend off.

"Why… do you… have to…be so- so heavy?" she panted,

But that's enough seriousness for one story. (Now, Siriusness- that's another matter. And sadly we have a lot of that matter). So, let's go party!

OO **November 27 **OO

"And I pronounce you man and wife."

Sparks flew out of the speaker's wand, surrounding the newlyweds, who kissed. And didn't stop.

Until, of course, Marlene poked the bride in the back, and the couple quickly broke apart, blushing.

"There are some people who want to wish you well, you know. So, let's get to the reception, already!"

Still blushing, they raised their wands, and the wedding set-up flowed seamlessly into the reception, as waiters came out, bearing flutes of champagne- Sirius flocking to them immediately.

"So," Marlene said. "I guess I never expected you two to get married."

"Why not?"

"Your husband…. Well, he's not exactly the type one marries. Or likes at all."

"I thought we got over this when we started dating, Marlene!"

"Well, I still haven't. So too bad."

"Yeah… thanks, Marlene. Hey, where's Lily?" Frank asked.

Marlene looked around. "No clue. But, if I were to guess, she's probably with James. Because of his 'limp' from the Death Eaters two days ago. Yeah. Limp my arse, Lily. She's probably snogging him somewhere. Nah, probably shagging…"

And with that, she turned around, grabbed a flute from the waiter, downed it as if it were a shot of Firewhiskey, and headed off, mumbling about something.

Frank and Alice's other well-wishers stared after her, all rather stunned.

"No mum, that's not what all of Frank's friends are like. Well, Lily and James aren't anyway," Alice hastened to assure her mother.

Her mother wasn't so assured. "Weren't Lily and James the ones"- here she hesitated- "snogging somewhere?"

Alice blushed, and squeezed Frank's hand a bit tighter.

On the other hand, Augusta Longbottom was assuring Frank, "I am so proud of you. I hope your children grow up to be exactly like you."

Remus and Peter were at the end of the line, so by the time they got to talk to the newlyweds, Sirius was incredibly drunk, had gotten Peter pretty tipsy, and was currently attempting to get Remus drunk.

"It'll take more than that to get me drunk, Padfoot. I'm a werewolf, remember? Besides, I think the waiters are getting pissed off at you," Remus said. However, he did take the champagne from Sirius. All three glasses.

"Congratul…tulations, guys…" Peter slurred, holding up his glass, shakily enough that a bit of it spilled, right where Sirius was stepping, causing him to slip, and fall on his nose.

"Right," Remus said. "Great wedding. Rather"-

Marlene jumped on Remus. "Excuse me," she apologized to Frank and Alice. "I must steal this well-wisher."

As Marlene dragged Remus away by the tie, Alice and Frank stared at them.

"Do you think we should close the open bar?" Alice asked her husband.

"I don't think your mother would ever forgive me," Frank replied, pointing to his mother-in-law, who had started a randy dance- Firewhiskey in one hand, Sirius in the other.

"I think I need to vomit now…"

In a remote corner, Marlene had pulled Remus by the collar to her face. "Okay, I need my wedding sex. Now."

"Um… I wouldn't feel really comfortable- you're just a friend to me, Marlene. I"-

"Not _with _you. God, Remus. What a dirty mind. I need you to help me _find_ some."

"What? Why me?" Remus panicked.

"Because you are my best gay friend!"

"_What?! _ I'm not gay!"

The people around them stared at Remus, who blushed, and repeated himself in a lower voice, "I am not gay, Marlene!"

"Oh come, on. You're never with any girls!"

"Well, maybe I haven't found the right girl yet."

"So who's this 'right girl'?"

"Hmm… I've always liked the name Sarah. And I hope she likes to read, and has brown hair, though blonde would work, and"-

"Actually, you know what? I'm too horny to listen to this," Marlene sighed, and wandered off, leaving Remus alone, listing qualities to himself.

Soon, she bumped into Gideon Prewett.

"Oh, hey, Gideon! I was wondering, do you want to fornicate with me?"

Gideon, just like Remus, panicked. "Er, I don't know, I kind of have to go talk to my twin right"-

"Invite him!" Marlene pleaded. "Hey, two is better than one. I heard twins are excellent in the sack!" She grabbed him desperately by the jacket. "Just pleasure me, dammit!"

Like a deer in headlights- or, that is, wandlight, Gideon ran quickly away, to find his older sister, Molly, to comfort him.

"Why does no one want to shag me?" Marlene cried, throwing her bag down. "I'm the maid of honor! I'm supposed to get wedding sex! Unicorn turds!"

About at the same time that Marlene was shocking the guests with her tactlessness, James was walking dazedly towards his fellow marauders, hair messed up (more than what's considered normal), robes disheveled, and lipstick all over his face.

"Mate," Sirius said, rather seriously (excuse the pun; the author lost her thesaurus. Most likely due to the fact that she was warding off her suitors, who were all ready for their next dungeons and dragons game. Sadly the thesaurus was much lighter than a dictionary, yet it still knocked down all of them with one throw. On a happier note, it was rather good bowling practice. Now the author wouldn't have to skirt ashamedly around when her friends were playing Wii bowling…). "Your fly's unzipped."

"Never mind that. Guys you have to come to the bathroom with me."

"No way!" Peter exclaimed. "We're not girls!"

"Or gay!" Sirius added indignantly. (Remus blushed).

"I don't give a thestral," James said, suddenly losing the dazed look. "You are coming with me, whether you like it or not."

"Fine, fine," Sirius gave in. "But you don't have to be all bitchy about it."

Peter and Remus nodded.

As they walked off, Sirius lowered his voice, addressing Peter and Remus, "He is so whipped."

Alice collapsed into a chair, and Frank immediately knelt down next to her, opening his mouth.

"I don't need to hear an excuse. We are definitely not inviting your friends for Christmas."

OOOOO

"Wait…" Peter said, holding his hand up. "She lets you bang her at her best friend's wedding, and so you decide to propose?"

"Hey, you're making her sound like a slut!" James complained. "Besides, I've been wanting to propose for a while now, it's just…."

"Now you're convinced, as she's so good when unwrapped," Remus snickered.

Sirius just moaned about being girly in the bathroom with his friends.

"Hey!" James protested.

"It is true, isn't it?" Peter asked "I mean, the longer James is with Lily, the more whipped he gets, whereas the longer Lily spends with James, the sluttier she gets…"

"She is not a slut, you bloody tosser!" James growled, reaching for his wand.

"She is," Peter reassured his friend, but seeing the angry expression, he quickly added, "but only around you! Which is pretty lucky, you know."

"Yeah!" Sirius laughed. "Then you'd have to settle for Marlene if you wanted a release. She'd totally do it with her friend's boyfriend. She is desperate."

Remus shuddered.

James sighed. "Wankers, the lot of you."

"So, why did you need to drag us to the bathroom like girls to tell us that you were going to propose?" Sirius complained.

"I have no clue how to propose!"

The marauders all simultaneously rose their eyebrows. "Prongsie," Sirius said. "You kneel, open a ring box and say 'will you marry me'. Not that hard."

James rolled his eyes. "I know that. I just… I want to make it special. So, like should I take her to a candlelit dinner, and pop the question, or should I cook dinner for her, or should we make it together. Or maybe I could get you guys to serve us dinner?"

"What is with your obsession with dinners?" Peter asked. "It's just dinner. You don't have to do it over dinner. You could take her to a fricking Quidditch game and propose there if you wanted too."

"That's a good"-

"Though if it's romance you're going for, I don't know how romantic it'd be," Peter mused.

"Oh."

"Though, quite frankly," Peter continued, stroking his chin. "I bet she'd be happy with however you propose to her. I mean, you are giving her a Hungarian horned ring! And you for life, too- I guess that's also important. I mean"-

"Stop it with the confusing!" James cried. "You're really not helping, Peter! With the this, and then the that, and then the I don't know what the bloody Merlin you're talking about!"

His friends stared at him, and his heaving chest. "Man… calm down, Prongsie-rella," Sirius said. "It's not the end of the world."

"I just need a good, and not confusing way of asking Lily to marry me!"

"I say you take her to the zoo," Remus said.

"What's a zoo?" Sirius asked.

"It's a muggle place where they keep animals to look at," James said dully.

Sirius still looked confused, and Peter said, "Don't worry, it's a weird muggle thing. But, you'll learn a lot about it when you're the next big exhibit at one."

Remus snorted. "Anyway, you go to the penguins"-

"Penguins?"

"The things that live up north and huddle together for warmth, Sirius."

"Ohhhh… I get it. And then you ask her to huddle for warmth with you, huh?" Sirius asked. "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink."

Remus opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again, to say, "Actually forget it…"

"Anyway, I say, you get her in bed and you're about to do it, but the ring is on your thing- hehe, it rhymes- and then you ask, she says yes, and you guys have"-

"SEX!!" Marlene yelled, bursting in.

And the guys screamed like girls (fitting, they realized, for guys going to the bathroom together like girls).

Seeing which guys were talking about sex, Marlene calmed down. "Sorry. My sex radar's been going crazy lately, ever since I haven't been able to get my wedding sex. I mistook you guys for guys I'd want to shag."

"Thanks…"

"So what were you talking about?"

James looked at his friends. Peter was the one who answered. "Well, we've been feeling girly lately"- Sirius glared at Peter- "so we were talking about the cutest ways to propose."

James raised an eyebrow, and Peter shrugged back at him.

Marlene looked between them. "Am I supposed to be missing the apparent body language between you two that's saying 'what are you talking about?' and 'I don't know, I just thought it might be useful for your purposes to ask a girl how she'd want a proposal to go'. Well congratulations. I have no clue what the devil's snare is going on here. But I do suddenly feel like telling you my ideal way of proposing. So, listen up. I'd want my guy to be wearing nothing but a big bow around his privates, and he has to give himself to me, and then when I take off the bow, there's a ring box, and he pops the question, and then we fuck all night long. Yeah. That'd be hippogriffin' AWESOME. Well, I'm off to molest Benjy Fenwick and get really, really drunk. Please pardon my random, incredibly helpful, and hopefully hysterical entrance!"

And she bounced off, out through the doors.

"You know what?" James asked. "That gives me an idea…"

OO **January 30 **OO

Sirius was having a hard time.

He was supposed to deliver something to one special redhead.

But this something was incredibly heavy.

And this redhead lived in an apartment filled wit muggles, leaving it impossible to use magic.

So there was much heavy lifting being done.

Alongside much resolution to never exercise again.

But finally, he reached the door.

"Sirius?" Lily asked suspiciously, through the small crack of door she had opened. "What are you doing here?"

"It's your birthday, isn't it?" Sirius asked, smiling innocently. Surprisingly innocent. So innocent, most of his acquaintances would never accept it without questions. Especially a certain Minerva McGonagall. Lily, was also one of those acquaintances.

"Yeah? So? That gives no reason at all."

"Ah… My dear Lilykins. This brings back so many memories, I must say… Remember back when you were so cynical about the world? Always turning down James? Thought he just wanted a challenge? Another notch on his bedpost? Another name in his little black book?"

The corners on the straight line that had formed Lily's mouth curved a fraction upwards, her eyes glinting subtly at the memories. "Yeah…. I was pretty stupid back then, wasn't I?"

"Another conquest? Another lady of the night, so to speak? A slut? A hussy? A whore? Just another bit of relief?"

Then Sirius realized he might have gone a bit too far, seeing Lily's face dropped dramatically, especially her eyebrows. This, of course, transported a nostalgic marauder back to the moments when those same eyebrows in that same position were attached to the skin, which was attached to the forehead, which was attached to the, et cetera, et cetera, that had been often cursing his ol' matey, Prongs. Which, caused Sirius to think of their full-moon nights out, which caused him to think of Remus, and his unfortunate cycle of lycanthropy, and that undeniably led to comparing the cycle of a werewolf to the cycle of a female's, er, well, you know. The thing with blood that creeped out Sirius, and in an unfailing manner, always caused him to shudder. But, imagining Remus with this…condition, was not far off, and from that, there was the all-important question of all time. What if Remus got both cycles at the same time?

Lily, at the same time, got the privilege of watching Sirius stare off into space, mouth hanging open. Which, was unfortunately, as he has still been chewing the remnants of his breakfast. Her sad predicament stayed like this for a few minutes, and just as she was about to close the door on him, he shuddered, and started giggling in an incredibly obtuse manner that, she had always attributed as one of Sirius' jokes, but had learned, after she started dating James, that it was unfortunately a permanent characteristic. Set in a stone that she had a strong desire to introduce to a jackhammer. (This phrase, she learned early on, was never to be mentioned in the vicinity of purebloods, and leads to long periods of explaining jackhammers, electricity, and physics). It was never fun when Sirius started thinking on his own. It invariably led to this.

"Remus, the menstrual werewolf, again, huh?"

Sirius shrieked at the mention of the third word in Lily's question, and ducked, covering his ears.

Sighing, Lily opened her door fully, knowing he'd stay in fetal position (sucking his thumb all the while), until someone offered him something to eat. Preferably something sugary. (The story of how she learned this, a tedious and trivial tale, involves several panic attacks, dead house elves, shepherd's pie coating the ceiling of the great hall, and, of course, the library being burned down- which always seems to happen around Sirius, leading Madame Pince to be the first to be found with a serious case of SiriusBlackphobia).

"Get in, Black. I have no problems with kicking you in."

Sirius began rolling in, but jumped, up, exclaiming, "But, wait! I have to bring in your present!"

And he ran around to the side of the door, and began grunting. Looking around the door, the "gift" was discovered to be a big yellow box (and by big, we mean big), with a large red bow.

As soon as the box was completely blocking Lily's way out of the door, Sirius collapsed on to the floor. (Not as if Lily could see over the top of the box, anyway).

"Sirius, what is this?" Lily called over the box.

"Your birthday present!" came Sirius' muffled reply.

"Why?"

"Why can't I get you a birthday present?"

"No one else did," Lily sad so quietly that Sirius almost didn't hear her.

"Aw… Lilyflower, don't be sad. I'm sure they didn't forget. I mean, what time is it?"

"Sirius, it's nine."

"See! It's early! You have fifteen hours left for people to wish you a happy birthday! Did you expect them to wake up at the crack off dawn to be able to give you a present at four in the morning?"

"Sirius. Nine P.M. Like, in the evening. When it's dark out. You know."

"Actually…. I don't know. I thought I woke up early today… hmm… Stupid alarm clock."

Lily sighed. "Well, thanks for the gift, but I guess I'm not feeling in the mood today."

"You're not going to open it?" Sirius gasped. "But you have too!"

"I just don't feel like being scared by a giant Zonko's jack-in-the-box jumping out at me."

"What put you in such a bad mood, Lilybeans?"

"You mean, other than the fact that YOU of all people was the only one to wish me a happy birthday?"

"Hey, Lily. Look at the facts. Your family didn't because your parents are dead and your sister hates you. Frank couldn't because he doesn't get back from his honeymoon with Alice until tomorrow. Marlene and Remus are out on a mission for the Order, that has to do with rubber ducks from my limited knowledge. Don't ask me. I'm clueless. But you know what? It's probably my little brother. Reggy always did have that fear of rubber chickens, like they were herpes or, something. I mean. Something about getting chicken pox from them. Seriously. As if that's distracting us from the fact your gay, Reggy." Here Sirius snorted. "Oh. Sorry. Kind of got off topic there, huh?"

Now Lily snorted.

"And we all know that big interior design convention was this weekend, in Bath. So, there goes Peter. And Dumbledore says only so many Order members should be together at a time, you know?"

Lily smiled a bit, but this disappeared as she said, "You're missing someone."

"Who?" Sirius asked. "Wait… Wait. Just a sec. Parent, Prissy Petunia, Frank, Marlene… Oh. James. Right."

"Yeah," Lily said bitterly. "What's his excuse?"

"Hey! The others weren't excuses! They were perfectly valid reasons!" Sirius cried indignantly.

"Sirius."

Sirius pulled at his collar nervously. "Look, I don't know Lily. I mean, he spent seven years chasing after you, he wouldn't just forget you all of a sudden. I know him. He couldn't. He wouldn't. And he shouldn't. I mean leave you, Lily? Who could be that stupid? Really, Lily. It's stupid of you to even imagine it. And you better be smiling right now. This, so far, has been my best cheering up speech yet!"

A small giggle escaped from the clutches of her pursed lips.

"He might be caught up at work, Lily. Or maybe he's making you a special birthday dinner. Or rushing to you right this instant. Or, maybe he was kill- oops."

"Go away, Sirius," Lily croaked from behind the gift. "You're really not helping. You stupid tactless squib."

"Wow, Lily, that hurts, that really does," Sirius said, wiping away a tear. But seeing Lily's glare he became serious."Please, just open the gift before I go. I swear, I'll go once you do. And I'll shut up. I know how much you want that."

"Sirius. I really don't want a jack-in-the-box, or a lifetime's supply of itching powder. I don't know when I'd use it!"

"You never know. Maybe You-Know-Who's downfall will lead from itching, and you will need the jack-in-the-box to distract him while you put all the itching powder in his robes. And POOF! He's gone! But, really, Lily. Open the gift."

"Will you go away if I do?"

"Possibly."

"Sirius."

"Okay, okay. I will. Though I'd love to stay around to see you play with it afterwards."

"I don't see myself playing with a jack-in-the-box, Black."

"Fine, fine. It's your life."

Lily pulled off the top of the box, and the sides all flopped down. And it was hard containing Lily's squeals. (Eventually, she stopped even trying to hold them in).

"Lily Evans, will you marry me?"

Lily looked up at Sirius, a gleaming smile plastering her face, asking, "You got James Potter to jump out of a box and propose to me? I love you!"

And she tackled Sirius to the ground.

Once his breath had been regained, Sirius winked at her. "Better than a jack-in-the-box, huh, Evans?"

James, on the other hand, was currently pouting. "What about me?"

Realizing she had a proposal to answer to, Lily pounced on James.

Sirius was fascinated by the outcomes. Wow. He needed to propose to a girl sometime. That looked _fun_. "I told you so, James. I knew she'd say yes. Though, I suppose she never said anything. She sort of just attacked you. But seeing what she's doing to you, I'm guessing it's a yes. Merlin's crap, Lily. You know how to please a guy- are you guys even listening to me? Why are you closing the door? I thought you were going to let me watch you play with the gift afterwards! What are you doing? Come on! Don't! I heaved you all the way down here! And speaking of that, James, you really should lay off on the midnight snacks! But- No! DARN IT!"

And with that, the door slammed closed.

OO **February 1 **OO

"Dear Merlin, please tell me how I ended up Head Girl. Please," Lily moaned up to the heavens. "I knew it was February, and I knew I was going to have to walk a lot, but still I wore these hippogriffin' shoes! What the devils snare is wrong with me?"

If there had been a brick wall around, she would have hit her head against it a few times, but she hadn't any (well, any that she wasn't convinced would give her STDs if she touched them), so had to make due with her purse. This action, of course, caused passersby to think of her as crazy, and the muggle passersbys to be reminded of the monks in Monty Python's Holy Grail, and then start cackling while picturing the movie in their minds, and muttering their favorite lines, which were invariably "She's a witch!" And, invariably, the magical passersbys were startled at the truth of the muggles' murmurings, and so started glaring at the woman who they believed to be jeopardizing their existences.

Now, the female in question didn't notice their stares, and instead kept on walking, and hitting her head.

Until, that is, she ran into a glass door.

"Hmm… didn't notice that before…"

As luck would have it, this glass door was her destination, and so she entered the restaurant.

"Lily!"

Lily turned, and seeing her friends (and respective spouse), hurried over to a table in the corner, next to the window, and not too far from the door she walked into.

"What wonderful grace and poise," Frank chuckled. "No wonder you were Head Girl, Miss Birthday Girl."

"And stupidity; don't forget stupidity," Marlene eagerly interjected.

Lily snorted, sitting down. "Oh, yes. You two are ones to talk."

"I resent that," Marlene complained.

"You resent everything," Frank sniped.

"Oh, yeah?" Marlene asked, her arms outward, as if to say 'bring it on' (except totally not, seeing as that whole series of movies is way before their time. So please ignore the author's mental brain fart. She is a product of the 2000s- and so is constantly paranoid about internet rapists. And Furbies. Those things can not be trusted.). "Well, your face resents everything."

"Your mom resents everything."

"Your mom's uterus resents everything!"

Lily sighed, and cut in, telling them to stop bickering and shut up, while Alice just stared at her new husband and his friend in horror.

Lily eyed her with sympathy. "You really have no idea what you just married into."

And Alice commenced with the hitting of her head against the table (the waiters stared at her, in pure, unadulterated horror- this was a _nice_ restaurant! Not McDonalds! Then again, they thought, here at least one could refrain from getting STDs from the tables. The head waiter was particularly horrified, and worrying about the denting of the table- but decided not to say anything; the customer banging her head on the table was the wife of one of his best-paying customers- was it just him, or did the customers who tried to pay with those large gold coins seem to be the ones who paid the most? He wondered if they were foreign. They couldn't be French- the French were too snooty towards the British to tip that much…. So maybe they were Americans; Americans never really got the hang of paying abroad. But they had pretty good British accents for Americans… Meanwhile, the busboy was laughing, muttering 'She's a witch' under his breath, causing most of the waiters to glare at him- and his eventual firing).

Lily patted Alice on the back, once again oblivious of all the stares. "I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Alice, but the hitting of the head does not really help with the pain. In fact my feet are still burning from the cold."

Frank raised an eyebrow, and Lily bared her teeth at him. He whimpered and looked away. But not before asking, "Then why are you wearing those shoes?"

Marlene scoffed. "Because they were the only shoes that went with her dress?"

Frank scrunched up his eyebrows. "That's it. I don't get women. You chose aesthetic pleasures over comfort, and this morning, when Alice took me shopping, she was going on about what colors don't look right on her- what the devil's snare is this all about?"

Marlene tsked him, shaking her head, before turning to Alice. "You went shopping today? And you didn't invite us? I know that we're not incredibly close yet, but I'm sure we'd be more fun than Frank to take shopping."

Alice shrugged. "It's hard to explain. I needed to get bigger sized clothes, and…."

"I know!" Lily exclaimed. "I've been having trouble with my clothes lately. They're all shrinking! It took me so long to get this dress zipped today! I've put on a lot of weight recently. I blame your wedding cake," Lily said, pointing at Alice.

"Lily..."

"It was just so good! I kept going back for seconds!"

"Lily."

"I probably shouldn't have brought some home. I've just been getting all these cravings, and eating so much of it! It was awful for me. Still, I want to get a cake exactly like that... you'll have to give me a contact or something."

"Lily!"

"What?"

Frank sighed. "Apparently your wedding cake will be pretty important soon," he said, gesturing to Lily's hand.

"Oh…" Lily blushed. "James proposed."

Marlene and Alice squealed.

"How?"

"When?"

"Last night. It was my birthday, you know"-

"We do," Frank said, sarcastically. "That is why we're here."

Lily blushed some more. "Well, Sirius delivered this huge box to me, and I opened it, and James jumped out and proposed!"

"Merlin and Agrippa!" Marlene and Alice simultaneously gasped.

"That is so hot!"

"I wish Frank had proposed like that…"

"Hey!" Frank cried indignantly.

"No offense, Frank, but you really weren't romantic. See, he just asked one day when the wedding was going to be. And I was confused, and he gave me the ringbox. Nothing really grand."

"I thought you wanted me to be witty!" Frank protested.

"Well, yeah, of course. But not with the proposal! It's okay, I mean, at least you did propose, but sometimes I feel like I missed out on the typical proposal."

Frank pouted.

Alice smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.

Marlene just gaped over the ring. "Wow. I feel left out being single and unmarried."

"Don't worry," Lily comforted. "You'll get married."

"At this pace it'll be when I'm a crazy old cat lady."

"Or dead," Frank snickered.

Fortunately, Frank was able to just dodge the fork flying his way.

"Well, I guess our announcement sort of just lost it's big come-out, huh?" Alice asked.

"Oooh… more gossip I can spill to the tabloids?" Marlene asked.

Alice raised an eyebrow.

"Do tell," Lily asked.

Alice looked at Frank, and put her hand on his. "Frank and I are pregnant."

"Holy flobberworm. I was not expecting that," Lily whispered, stunned.

"You got that right," Marlene agreed. "You're pregnant, Frank?"

Frank rolled his eyes. "You know what she meant, Marlene."

"Yeah, yeah… I'm just not over the fact that you're going to be passing that wretched name down to some poor kid. Better hope it's a girl, and she gets married pronto. But, I don't know how attractive the name Longbottom is."

"You'd have to ask Alice."

"Nah. Don't feel like it- I'm too lazy."

"Thanks."

All of a sudden, Lily had sat up, and collected her bag from the ground.

"Whoa, what's this about?" Frank asked, Marlene nodding along with him.

"Maybe it's the James Potter outside the window?" Alice offered.

"Ah…" Marlene laughed. "Right. Well, go ahead, Lily. I guess you are entitled to leave us for your fiancée. But, before we go, I was thinking that we might go out with Alice tomorrow morning to look at baby things and maternity clothes. What time do you want to meet?"

"I can't," Lily apologized, standing up from the table (and suddenly flocked by waiters trying to pull out the chair for her). "I have a dentist appointment tomorrow."

"Codeword for your walk of shame, right?" Alice said with a wink. Causing Marlene, Lily, and Frank to look at her amazedly.

"You know, Alice," Marlene said, "for a person almost a year younger than us, you are catching on fast. I think you will be a valuable addition to the group."

"Well, see you later guys!" Lily called, heading for the door, and her messy-haired lover.

"Bye, Lily!" Marlene replied, before continuing. "And that leads me to my next point- she's nearly a year younger than us! How could you impregnate someone so young! That's a crime, you know! I'll have to inform the ministry…"

OOOOO

"So, did you get them to admit that happiness is non-existent, and life is pain?"

"No, sir."

"Did you make them listen to really emo music?"

"No, sir."

"You are useless followers! Did you at least pick up my black lipstick?"

"Uh… sort of, sir."

"What do you mean, sort of?"

"Bellatrix stole it, and most of it is on her lips right now."

Voldemort pouted. "I hate life."

"Fetch the razor blade, Snape," Lucius Malfoy whispered to his cohort.

Snape scurried off.

"Sir, may I be so bold as to suggest we try again?" Malfoy asked.

"What's the point?" he asked. "You'll just fail again."

"We won't, this time, sir."

"Well, then. As apparently my strategies won't work, what do you suggest we do?"

"Kill the best players," Lestrange offered up, with a cackle.

Voldemort grimaced- his version of a smile. "Then there are three I want you to target especially. That McKinnon girl- she's too good of a healer; Longbottom, as he's the aurors' best detective; and Potter- his family annoys the devil's snare out of me."

"Yes sir."

And as Malfoy said this, Snape scurried back in, with Voldemort's razor blade.

Voldemort clutched at the razor blade (in his favorite color- black), and drew it against his wrist. "The pain… the pain…" he whimpered. "It makes me forget… it's so good…"

OOOOO

Lily giggled as James pulled her along the sidewalk away from the restaurant, his arm around her waist, his face on hers.

Every once and a while, he stopped, and kissed her fully, causing more giddy giggles to rise up her throat.

Finally, she couldn't take it, and grabbed James' wrist.

"Come on," she uttered in a low voice. And with a wink, she was pulling him to a bench in the park across the street.

And was followed was one of the best kisses of her life. The details will not be shared, as every being is entitled to privacy. Also, the little intimates are a bit too intimate. The author was planning on keeping this at PG-13. And if the readers were, for some unknown reason, actually interested in what was going on, the author suggests you go find some porn, you horny little voyeuristic bastard.

So. On with the story.

"So," James murmured softly, as he nuzzled Lily's neck, portraying the embodiment of young love, and what he had been doing to Lily every chance since they had started dating. "How are your feet? Temperature wise?"

Lily, gasped inwardly, reminded of her poor feet. It was a surprise they weren't black. Why had she worn the strappy shoes in February? Why? And why, in the name of Agrippa, had James brought up her feet? Not only did it cause her to remember the intense pain her feet were in, but it was weird. James had never really had a foot fetish, and Lily didn't particularly care for him to start now. But she answered anyway.

"Freezing, actually."

James abruptly pulled away from Lily, leaving her missing his warmth, which, besides the warm, fuzzy feeling she got inside from being near him, was definitely decreasing her body temperature. And she wasn't the best thinker when she was freezing. You try concentrating while breaking off your toes.

"You don't have to marry me you know," James said softly, and somewhat dejectedly. Lily smiled, imagining him as a small, sad puppy- a smile that did not escape James.

"Okay, so you don't want to marry me, I get it. My question is why you ever said yes in the first place. And did you ever even love me? But, I doubt you'll say."

James pushed himself off the bench they had been very recently snuggling on. Lily fell back, emitting a grunt, as she hit the arm of the bench. Of course all she could feel was herself hitting the bottom. The one thing she had cared so much for the past few years gone, because, well, she had no idea. But she couldn't just let it happen.

"James! Wait!"

He stopped, but didn't turn around. "What?" he asked, not so much hostile, but with a tinge of hope, shoving his hands in his pockets, reminding Lily, yet again, of her current temperature. Well maybe all the body fat she had recently gained would help with warming her. Like blubber. But it wasn't helping her heart, which was feeling very cold right now.

"James, just hear me out. I don't expect anything from you, though I hope…. Well, anyway. Years ago, when I was younger, I had always thought that I'd live and die a loveless virgin. I didn't think I was going to miss much, I only had a miniscule twinge of regret that I'd never be able to try my hand at what they called love. See, I had always known that no guy would look my way twice. First off, I wasn't pretty, not like Marlene, and all those other girls. And I was the heinous bitch that close to everyone hated."

James made a noise, but Lily ignored him.

"And I got over it. I had already decided to focus on my studies, and on my career. But, Frank had found Alice, and Marlene was always out with various guys, and I felt as if I was missing something for really the first time, in seventh year. That was the year that you calmed down. And I knew you had liked me. So, I conquered my fears, and went out with you. You were my chance at what I had never had."

James, who had turned around, gaped at Lily. "So, you never loved me, you just settled for me, because I was the only person you liked you? Bloody hell, Lily, that makes a bloke feel warm and fuzzy on the inside."

And he turned on his heel and left.

"But, James! Wait!" Lily called, desperately. "I didn't mean that! It came out wrong! It's too cold to think properly!"

But this time, James didn't stop.

OO **February 2** OO

"Rise and shine, Prongs!"

"Get up! Time to smell the roses!"

"The morning bells are ringing!"

"Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey! You know? Eggs and bacon? Time for breakfast? For Merlin's sake, get the Agrippa up! Unicorn turds, Potter! Why won't you hippogriffiin' get up? And no, Remus, I am not going to go wash my mouth with soap. You would be reduced to the same swears if you were the one getting him up. GET YOUR LAZY ARSE OUT OF BED, YOU THESTRAL LOVING, DEVIL SNARED,HUNGARIAN HORNED, SON OF A BANSHEE, SQUIB! I WILL _EAT_ YOU! I WILL, IF YOU DON'T GET UP!"

As Sirius panted heavily, bosom heaving (in a way that reminded the others a bit too much of Snape), finger pointing shakily at James, the aforementioned thestral loving, devil snared, Hungarian horned, son of a banshee turned on his belly, and shoved his head under the pillow, pulling the covers up over his head.

And Sirius nearly collapsed into tears. "Guys, what is _wrong _with him? What? I did everything!"

"It's probably because this room is as awful as Morgana!" Peter exclaimed. "Who would want to wake up if all they saw was this? It's enough to depress someone."

There was silence.

Then Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot all spontaneously said (at the same time), "Maybe he's depressed!"

But, Padfoot said it a tad late, so it came out as "depressedssed!"

"Look, James," Wormtail said. "It'll take me just a second, but when I'm finished, this place will look like it popped out of Architectural Digest."

Of course, this comparison was lost on the others in the room, as most wizards don't get into the habit of reading muggle magazines. Still, the next second, the room was suddenly in all shades of green ("It's a happy color," Peter insisted. "No it's a Slytherin color," Sirius insisted back.), and then in all yellow (Sirius still grumbled. Something along "Hufflepuff is not better than Gryffindor." Peter retorted that they weren't in school anymore, so he better get over it). The furniture was actually clean, and there were pictures on the wall that weren't posters of Quidditch teams, and The Hippogriffs ("Best band ever!" Sirius squealed. "And now you've taken them away. You Devil's Snare."). And all the photos of Lily were framed ("The squib doesn't even have any pictures of us! Or, more importantly, me! I wouldn't mind him meeting a blast-ended skrewt in a dark alley now.")

"Hey," Remus said, looking at the picture frames. "Maybe it's Lily."

"What?"

"Maybe he's all depressed over Lily!"

"Psh. Hah," Sirius laughed. "Why would he be depressed over Lily. They're hippogriffin' _engaged_. They're supposed to be over fighting now. Heck, James hasn't been depressed over her in years!"

"Maybe it's the wrackspurts? They might have been hovering around his head again," Peter said knowledgably.

"Right. Well. You're stupid," Sirius replied, without his gaze even straying to Peter. "Now. James. We're getting you out of here. We're going to Diagon Alley. You look like you need it. And Remus needs it to. He needs to find a date to your wedding. He can't just show up stag. He'd be such a dork. It's not like he's the best man, who gets the pick of all the lovely ladies out there. So, it's really pathetic if he doesn't have a date. Besides, we need symmetry. It wouldn't look right if everyone else had dates, and he didn't. What, am I supposed to go fetch my cousin Andromeda's daughter? Yes. I can see it now. Remus dancing with a five year old. The dork."

Remus sighed. "Well, if you're going to set me up, can her name be Sarah?"

Sirius slapped his head- but right before contact, realized it was his head, and he didn't want to have a hand print on his forehead, so instead slapped Remus' head. "Wow. Remus. Wow. You're a _marauder_. You could have your pick of nearly any girl. It's not like your're really bad looking, or anything. Besides, I hear that vulnerable and shabby looking guys are on the rise on the hotness scale. Whatever. And you want someone with the name _Sarah?_ That is the plainest name ever! You could have Rileys, Jillians, Stellas, Naomis, Evelas, and you want SARAH? Even Claire is better than Sarah. Dude. Sarah is a boring and plain name. One in every two girls is named Sarah. What does that tell you?"

"That it shouldn't be too hard for you to find a Sarah."

Sirius groaned. "If you were a food, you'd be asparagus. No one likes asparagus. Again, what does that tell you?"

"That I'd have a higher chance of surviving as an asparagus?"

"No! That you need to get a life! Eurgh!"

"Hey, guys?" Peter called, waving a hand between them. "I think James is trying to gnaw his arm off."

"Wait, what?"

And there he was, in his bed, ferociously chewing on his arm, and unfortunately not making much progress. So far there were on teeth marks on his arm.

"Um, what are you doing, James?"

"Trying to kill myself."

"By eating off your arm?"

"No. By slowly consuming myself, so I don't have to bear life anymore."

"Okay. Self-cannibalism. That's fairly new."

Peter stared at Sirius and Remus. "What are you DOING? He's trying to kill himself, and you're just STANDING THERE?"

"Hey, he's not making much progress. So sure, he can go ahead."

"DO something!" Peter cried, shoving Sirius forward.

"Fine! Fine! I'll _do_ something. Jerk. Okay. James. You can't die today! It's February second! You know what that means!"

"What?" James mumbled through his arm.

"It's Hedgehog Day! Happy Hedgehog Day!"

"Hey!" Remus said, indignantly. "It's Groundhog Day!"

"No. That's the Americans. Silly Americans thinking groundhogs are better than hedgehogs. Hedgehogs rule! I would totally want to be hedgehog in my animagus form. But, I really like being a dog! Dogs think exactly like me! Anyway- no, wait! I could still be a dog, but James could turn into a hedgehog, and Peter could be an oyster! Yes! It's perfect!"

"That really does not prove your point. It's groundhog day."

"No, no! See, Hedgehog Day is this ancient Roman holiday! And then, when people started moving to America, there were no hedgehogs! Gasp, I _know_! So, people used a groundhog instead! And groundhog day became famous. Not Hedgehog Day. Which totally stinks. Because everyone knows hedgehogs are way cuter than groundhogs. Peter, where are you going with James?"

"Well, while you two were being idiots, I talked to James. Apparently, there are problems in Land Lily. So I'm taking him to Florean Fortescques to cheer him up. You two can come along. But you better stop arguing about stupid things. And, for the record, Hedgehog Day does exist, and girls named Sarah are pretty cool. And since there are more of them, there's a better chance that they're hot. So, are you coming?"

"Oh! I win, Remus!"

"Hey, he agreed with me on the Sarah thing!"

"Whatever! I still win, because I'm Sirius!"

"That's so stupid! That is not a reason for you to win!"

"I'm just so cool, that I obviously get to win everything. That's how it works, Re"-

"Stop arguing! James doesn't need this!"

"I still win!"

"I said, SHUT UP!"

Sirius stuck his tongue out at Remus.

"What, are we five now?"

Peter glared at them.

"Hey, wait," Sirius said, looking at Remus. "Did he say there were troubles in Land Lily earlier? Holy flobberworn dung."

OOOOO

The office was a sparkling clean white- probably scrubbed with all sorts of chemicals to help it stay that way. The waiting room was silent- except for the clacking away of the receptionists on their typewriters, the nervous whining of young children (and some not-so-young children), and the so-called soothing music in the background.

Lily sighed. She was back at the dentist. The most depressing place to be after a break-up. All she wanted to do was curl up with a pint of ice cream, and some chocolate frogs, but the dentist was invariably tell her she shouldn't. (Well- the ice cream, not the chocolate frogs. Dentists were muggles, afterall. Wizards never seemed to care too much about their teeth. Especially the British ones).

And what's more, that dentist- that evil dentist- wasn't yet here. So, Lily was condemned to wait for her, with the old lady next to her making constant glances at her stomach (old people never seemed to understand that Lily could gain weight), all the while her heart breaking more and more in this sterile clinic- which was not at all comforting.

So, like all other people who have been in her situation, her exact situation (which, admittedly, is not very many people), she picked up a muggle tabloid and started to read about all the celebrities whose lives were worse than hers.

And after a bit of that relief (as tragedy is always a relief- your life is never worse than theirs, it puts things into perspective), the door opened, and in came the dentist, holding a baby.

"Hello, Lily," the dentist smiled. "Hello, Matilda. Great to see you- I haven't seen you since before I left on maternity leave, have I?"

Even as depressed as she was, Lily felt her heart warm at the baby. "What's her name? Or is it a he?"

"Oh, it's a her. And her name is Hermione," said Dr. Granger.

"That's beautiful," Lily sighed.

Dr. Granger laughed. "Well the pregnancy wasn't. I was just waddling around, I was so huge. And I was gaining weight so fast! And now it's almost as bad, as I can never find a sitter! Like today, I just had to bring her in! But I know it'll be worth it later, wouldn't you say so, Matilda?"

The old lady raised her glance from Lily's stomach. "I suppose," she said crankily. "But I hate how women allow themselves to get fat. Then they get insulted when I congratulate them"-

"Unicorn turds!" Lily hissed, and got up, racing out the door.

"Um, excuse me?" Dr. Granger said confusedly.

OOOOO

With a wave of his wand, the dark mark appeared- and Snape shuddered. That duty had always creeped him out.

"Are we allowed to choose our own methods of killing them?" Regulus Black asked. "Because if we can, I call James Potter." He cackled, and started muttering something along the lines of, "Mate, James Potter is _hawt_."

"No," Bellatrix said. "I get him. I kill Evans, and while he's mourning, kill him. Kill two birds with one stone. I do the Dark Lord's bidding, while getting rid of one of the world's unnecessary mudbloods- which will also please Him."

And with that, Snape gulped.

OOOOO

"And I can't handle the fact that she doesn't want to marry me for me. She said she'd still marry me, but, what's the point if she doesn't love me? It may hurt now, but not as much as it will when I walk in on her and the gardener," James said dully, his eyes not leaving his (now melted) sundae.

"The gardener?" Sirius snickered. "I thought Lily had more class than- Argh! What did you do that for, Peter?"

Peter glared at Sirius. "I would think it was obvious."

"So," Sirius drawled. "Remus. Let's find you that date. That way Peter and I can start planning your wedding."

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," James said miserably, throwing his napkin on the table- more specifically, in Sirius' sundae.

"Hey! I wasn't done with that! Thanks a lot!" Sirius shouted after his mate.

"Wow. Way to be stupid Sirius. Talking about _marriage_ in front of a guy who just lost his fiancée? Not the best idea," Peter said, aiming a scornful glare towards Sirius (and not for the first time today. Not even for the twenty-second time either).

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Whatever. He'll get over it. He's a man. He'll mope for a day. We don't talk about feelings! We are men! Manly men!"

"Manly men in tights?" Remus snickered. "You know, the tights you like to wear around?"

"They bring out the muscle definition in my legs! My beautiful legs!"

"Right…"

"Anyway, so. Remus, let's find you a girl!"

"A Sarah," Remus stated.

"Oh, come on. How many witches have the name Sarah? Jeez. They're either named after flowers like Lily, or get names like Bathilda, and Minerva, and Pomona, and Rowena."

Remus smirked a bit.

"I suppose we could find a muggle… Hordes of them are named Sarah."

"Oh," Remus interrupted. "But a muggle could never understand me at all. Not only the fact that I'm a wizard, but my lycanthropy. A wizard might be tolerant. But a muggle? Never."

"So then how the hell are we supposed to get you a Sarah?"

"My point exactly."

"Hippogriff you, Remus. Hippogriff you."

"Thanks, Sirius. Really."

"Here. I'll get you a goldfish or something named Sarah. And then we'll get down to the real business of matchmaking."

"Mates," Peter sighed. "Why don't you take care of Lily and James before Remus?"

"Good point," Sirius agreed. He leaned back in his chair, and pulled out a silver flask. "Best Firewhiskey ever. It's so strong, I swear it was made for giants. I was saving it for a special occasion, but right now, James is depressing me so much, I think I need it."

"Hear, hear!" Remus cheered, a bit shockingly- who had ever heard of Remus and Sirius agreeing?

"And speaking of James, where in hell is the squib? I mean, since when does it take this long to piss?"

And with that enlightening speech, Sirius commenced to spike the ice cream, even James' melted one ("The bloke needs to lighten up before he makes me kill myself. Or him.").

"Cheers!"

Remus sniffed at his drink, and grabbed the flask out of Sirius' hands, pouring the rest into his sundae.

"What gives, Moony? That Firewhiskey didn't come cheap!"

"What gives is that as a werewolf, I take more to become drunk. And I need to be drunk. Because if this is the state of Lily and James, there is absolutely no hope for the rest of us. That is what I drink to. And hope to be draught of death drunk for. You fucking banshee."

Sirius gaped at Remus. ("You _curse?_ Since_ when?_ Dang. That was one crazy thestral of a curse. Merlin, you should be in Azkaban right now. I mean, there are bloody children nearby.")

"So, are we flobberworms, or freakin' wizards?" Remus continued. "James and Lily are in peril of depression, and what are we doing? Sitting around slurping down spiked ice cream. I think not! We shall conquer! We shall get them back together! BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

Sirius glanced at Peter. "I told you the Firewhiskey was strong."

"Tell me… no, no. Tell me… how'sa we gonna get's them together again?" Remus slurred, head waving dramatically in the air, before slumping on the table.

"He really shouldn't have had so much. What he drank could knock out a giant in ten seconds flat," Sirius sighed, observing the nonexistent levels of alcohol in his flask.

Peter glanced at his watch. "Remus is made of harder stuff. He took twenty seconds.

"Yes. Fur and menstrual wanna-be hormones. Much harder than pure giant brawn."

"Are you kidding me? Giant brawn? Giants are big fat things. You could jump off the astronomy tower and live if one of them were underneath. Merlin, you'd end up falling off the astronomy tower again with the bounce."

Sirius snorted. "Okay, so maybe dear old Remy is made of harder stuff, but I think he'd rather- and Agrippa, I'd rather too- be knocked out in ten seconds than resort to speaking like Americans."

There was collective shudder.

Peter lowered his voice, and peeked around, before saying, "This is just between you and me, alright? But my cousin went there once, and he went to grab a bite to eat, and ended up at this place with a giant M and a creepy clown, and there was this thing- why it was there, I'll never now, guess it'll be a mystery- that said 'drive through' but they spelled through as T-H-R-U."

Another collective shudder.

"Maybe we could find Remus an American witch with the name Sarah."

The boys snickered.

"Waz that?" Remus roused. "An… an idea for Lily and Jamesie?"

"Um… no," Sirius said. "Not yet."

Remus began reaching in his coat, and pulled out his wand.

"No! We're, we're working! Yeah! Go back to sleep!"

Peter and Sirius sighed.

"Okay," said Peter. "Let's think about this. We could have them meet again, and make them fess up everything, and"-

"Booooo-ring," Sirius said. "Why not lock them in a broom closet and not let them out until they've made up, or have started snogging."

"So are they just supposed to go to the bathroom in the closet? And then you get to clean it up?"

"Good point…" Sirius mused, fingers stroking his chin, and leaning back in his seat.

"Merlin, I have no clue what to do…" Peter sighed. "I'm not exactly romance central here… all I can think of is making them talk to each other."

"Wow. That idea sucks. No way in hell we're doing that."

"Okay. Then I give up. Let's just give them Amortentia, and never tell Remus."

"You know what? I kind of like that"-

Peter rose an eyebrow.

Sirius whimpered.

The eyebrow went further up Peter's head.

"Fine. We won't use the Amortentia," Sirius said dully. "Meanie."

"Right. And you're an immature baby."

Sirius looked up. "Baby. Baby. _Baby!_ That's it, Peter! That's perfect!"

"What's perfect?"

"Cupid! Cupid could get them together! I dress up as Cupid, shoot them both in the arse, and we're good!"

"Sounds like it's just your excuse to dress up in a diaper and wings."

"Come on! It's our best idea yet, and it could work!"

"How, exactly? So you shoot them in the arse. They cry in pain, and how does that cause them to fall in love again?"

"Easy. I lace the arrows with some Amorten"-

"Hey guys," James said sullenly, slipping into his seat. "I bet you didn't even notice that I left. I could have been drowning myself in the toilet. You probably would've cheered at that, huh? I think I'm going to kill myself, and you guys don't even listen."

With that, James looked around the table for silverware. When he couldn't find any knives (or forks, or even sporks), he grabbed a spoon, and started hacking at his neck.

"Stop it Prongs," Sirius sighed, seizing the spoon from James' hand, though it took a little work to get the spoon loose, as James had been clutching it rather hard. Fortunately, Sirius finally got it loose, though it had left fairly deep imprints on James' palm, and threw it across the patio they were sitting at, into a old witch's head. The witch immediately collapsed, and a crowd formed around her, as the lackeys from Saint Mungo's gathered her up to take her away for treatment (For the record, the treatment was successful, but later, when trying to exact revenge upon Sirius, but sending him a cursed motorbike, she was run over by a rental car driven by American tourists, who had been driving on the wrong side of the road. Silly Americans). "You're going to kill yourself."

Peter looked bemused. "I think that was the point. But, even so, it's not like he could kill himself with a spoon."

James grunted, and started to hit his head against the table.

Peter sighed.

"Whoa! What's with the vibrations? What did I miss?" Remus said, popping up, perfectly sober.

Sirius' eyes widened at the perfectly sober Remus. "Maybe Remus_ is_ made of harder stuff?"

"What? Were you talking about me?" Remus asked, his eye narrowing.

"Um, no!" Sirius replied brightly.

"Mates," Peter said suddenly, pointing at a letter that was floating down onto the table.

"Hey, that was a Hogwarts owl! Wonder what Dumbledore wants…"

James looked up at Sirius' comment, and ripped open the envelope.

"Blast-ended skrewt! We've got to go!"

OOOOO

Marlene looked up at Lily, concernedly. "Lily, I'm afraid my answer has to be yes."

Lily's face crumpled. "Of course, it's now…"

"What?"

"This is just rich," Lily said bitterly.

"Why? Lily, you can tell me," Marlene assured her, gently holding Lily's arm.

"jamesbrokupwitme," Lily sobbed incomprehesibly, leaning her head onto Marlene's sweater.

"Wait, what?" Marlene asked, confused.

Lily looked up at Marlene, and slowly stated, "James broke up with me."

"No, no! He couldn't, are you sure?"

Lily gave Marlene a withering glare.

"Okay, he did, but… why?"

"I don't know… I made a mistake. Why didn't I chase after him?"

"Lily, it's not too late."

"Yes, yes it is too late. He'd never understand… he'd never let…what if he doesn't love me anymore? What if he never loved me?"

With that, Lily broke down, crying. Except it wasn't crying. And it wasn't weeping, or sobbing. There was really no word that could truly cover it. It was pathetic, and heart-trending, depressing, and yet strangely beautiful all at the same time.

"Hey," Marlene said softly. "Do you want me to get Frank? And the two of us can go curse Potter to hell and back?"

Lily stopped sniffing. "Possibly… actually, yes."

Marlene smiled "I'll be right back."

She grabbed some floo powder from her desk, and headed to the fireplace, to find Frank.

Fortunately, she didn't have to, as Frank's head popped up almost immediately in the fireplace.

"Marlene! Is Lily with you?"

"Um, yeah. Why?"

"We have to go, the Death Eaters have Hogsmeade!"

Lily looked up.

Marlene bit her lip. "Do you want to go? You don't have to."

"No, I should. I don't care if James is there."

Frank looked questioningly at the two. "What"-

Marlene glared at him, and he popped away, as Marlene and Lily popped away themselves, apparating to Hogsmeade, and their fate.

OOOOO

Light was flying everywhere, once again, haphazardly coloring up the sky, like some preschooler's coloring book. Except, this time, the people nearby knew they weren't fireworks.

The air was liquefied with intensity (don't worry if you don't understand what that means- neither does the author; the author just thought it sounded pretty).

People fell, and dodged as if this was just a particularly grimy ballet- a dance simply to be learned- as if killing was beautiful, and it was to Bellatrix.

A person could be killed in so many different ways. The flesh was so weak, it was as if with a simple touch, it would crumble under your hand. The one thing Bellatrix respected in muggles- and this respect she would never admit- was that they really knew how to kill. Their repertoire of killing was so large, that the possiblilites seemed endless. Wizards simply said a spell, and a person dropped almost instantaneously. And painlessly. Pain. That was the fun part of killing- seeing what a person is really like in those last moments. It was why Avada Kedavra was her least favorite Unforgivable. She would much rather see the pain in someone as she uses the Cruciatus- watch and see which crumbles first, the mind or body.

She felt most comfortable in situations like these, it was her calling, so to say. She would have joined any dark lord for these experiences. Of course, she despised mudbloods. Those freaks- there was nothing else to call them- gave up themselves and their family to be something different- it was disgusting. They gave up a world full of killing, to go be part of a world with less killing, and with more disgust towards it.

And so, she took particular pleasure in killing mudbloods- the people who expected pain in death. And the first on her list for now was a certain Lily Evans.

So, as she saw the distinctive red hair, she shot her favorite Unforgivable straight away, not seeing the approaching dark hair.

"LILY!" James yelled, as she fell, running immediately to her.

Marlene and the others nearby quickly followed- and as soon as Marlene had reached Lily, James jumped back a few yards, choosing to hover- rather than admit to himself the truth.

Marlene sighed in relief as she checked Lily's vitals. "It's lucky Bellatrix's curse wasn't for long. She just disappeared with all the others- what was that about, anyway?"

Sirius shrugged. "I told her that dear ol' Reggy had a little crush on Snapey-poo. And once she disappeared in disgust, the others followed."

"Well… that's creative," said Remus.

"What…what happened?" Lily asked faintly, her eyes fluttering.

"_Lily!_" Sirius exclaimed happily, jumping on his friend.

"_NO!_" Marlene gasped. "Sirius get off her stomach! She's preg"-

"_What?_" James jumped, his face in Marlene's in under two seconds.

"I… I mean, that is…"

Peter looked around nervously. "Uh, why don't we let them have some privacy?"

And he began herding the others around the corner.

As soon as everyone was gone, James grabbed Lily by the shoulders, as she began to sit up. "Lily, what… what was Marlene talking about? It- it isn't true, is it?"

Lily sighed.

"James, I… I'm pregnant."

OOOOO

"She's _pregnant?_ Since when?" Frank demanded, looking around the corner.

"Sshhh…" Marlene hushed him. "We don't want them to hear us!"

"And he broke up with her?" Frank asked, his voice squeaking. "I'm going to _kill _him!"

Fortunately, before Frank could break anything, Benjy Fenwick and Sturgis Podmore caught him, and restrained him.

"Now, really, Frank," Sirius sighed. "If Alice weren't pregnant, and thus here, what would she say if she saw you trying to kill James Potter."

"I've changed my mind. I'm killing his best friend," Frank said darkly, looking at Sirius.

"Hey, hey. Don't shoot the messenger," Sirius protested.

"Kill the stupid person," Fabian Prewett snickered.

"Oh, well, then," Emmeline Vance said. "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them."

"Yes!" Marlene said excitedly, high fiving Emmeline.

"Hey, Frank," Peter said. "Couldn't we just get them back together, and then Lily's honor would be saved, or what not?"

"Then there's only one thing to do," Emmeline said wisely. "If we want to get them together, then we get James to jump out of a box and propose to her."

"Already did that," Remus sighed.

"Oh."

"Shove 'em in a broom closet?" Fabian offered.

"That's how we got them together back at Hogwarts.

"Shove James in a broom closet until he loses his ego?" Gideon offered.

"Also used that back at Hogwarts."

"What about"-

"No, Benjy. No romantic broom rides. Lily's afraid of heights."

"Golly, mister," Benjy said. "What are you gonna do, then?"

"Well, Benjy," Sirius suddenly said. "My young padowan, there is only one thing to do."

"What sir, what?"

"I dress up as Cupid and go shoot them both in the arse."

There was silence.

"Why don't we go back to eavesdropping?" Marlene suggested, after a bit.

"Hey," Remus protested. "It's not eavesdropping."

"Then what is it?"

"Filling ourselves in so they don't have to later. We're being good friends by doing this."

"Shhhh!" Gideon whispered. "You're not doing a very good job of filling yourselves in! They've stopped with the awkward silence! James is talking!"

OOOOO

James sighed. "I guess I have to take responsibility. It is my baby. So, Lily, I'll marry you."

"Wait, does that mean it's all your choice? Wow. That's fair. Besides, maybe I don't want to marry you. Maybe, I want to marry someone who would love me. Maybe I don't want to live the rest of my life with a guy who's been saddle with me, and my love is unrequited and unreturned?"

"What are you talking about?" James asked, walking closer to her. "Unrequited, unreturned?"

"You know what I mean."

"Uh, maybe I don't."

Lily looked back for a second, blinking back tears. "You _left _me. You walked off on me! _Yesterday!_ One would think you'd remember."

"Oh, yeah," James said, angrily. "You're blaming me for walking off, when you had just said you only loved me because I was the only one to love you!"

"Oh, yes. That's definitely what I said. You didn't listen! Or understand! If that's what I meant, then I would have said yes to your approaches a lot earlier than seventh year!"

"Come one, your feet were cold. You know you didn't want to marry. You were lying through your teeth when you said you loved me."

"How would you know that?"

"Because it's plain and clear in front of me."

"How would you know? Maybe my feet were actually cold! Maybe they were freezing!"

"All the more reason for you not to marry me."

"You aren't listening! Maybe my shoes were the most unpractical things for me to be wearing in February!"

"Then why did you wear them?"

"They were the only shoes that matched my dress!"

James snorted. "Just like you. Everything has to be aesthetic for you, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"The shoes, and everything else in your life. Have you seen your flat? All perfect and neat. It's disgusting, now that I think about it. Because, as I can see now, I was just another in your collection- just another aethetically pleasing thing."

And Lily snorted.

"What?"

"You? Aesthetically pleasing? Yeah right."

"I am!"

"Sirius, yes. Remus, yes. Even Peter is more so than you."

James pouted.

"You've got the messy hair, and the glasses, and the ego; you know everything I think of when I think of you- it's not so aesthetically pleasing."

James was silent for a bit. Then, "You know, aesthetically, and all, I, as the best man, will need a date for Remus' wedding."

"Remus is getting married? To who?" Lily asked, obviously curious.

"Some girl named Sarah."

Lily giggled. "Leave it to him to pick the plainest name in the book."

"Actually," James started, "it means princess. In Hebrew."

Lily snickered. "Then there are a lot of princesses out there."

"And none of them as much of a princess as you."

Lily blushed. "That's a load of poppycock."

"Well, that poppycock is true. Look, Lily. I'm sorry. Will you be Remus' best man's date?"

Lily smiled. "I'm sorry too. This was just a big misunderstanding. And I'd love to be Remus' date."

"Hey! His best man's date."

Lily smiled mischievously. "Oops. Yeah, I meant that."

"I should hope so,' James said indignantly.

"But, James. I should say, it's not just what I said when I think about you. When I hear your name I think of you as the sweetest, smartest, most understanding, and possibly sexiest guy I've ever met. James, I really do love you."

Except before she could finish her sentence, James kissed her.

(Again, this author has a policy of privacy- you horny son of a banshee).

Then, suddenly, Sirius burst in, in full Cupid regalia.

"Crap. Apparently my services arne't needed. Shuffle back out, everybody, shuffle back out."

Remus chuckled. "Well, it's been an interesting Hedgehog day, hasn't it?"

"Yes! You agree! It is Hedgehog day!"

"No, you misheard me. I said Groundhog day, Sirius."

"Nah… I'm pretty sure you said Hedgehog."

"Well you have a wax build-up in your ears. It's not very attractive. You might want to have it checked."

And when they left James and Lily were still kissing.

"Though," James said, breaking away, "if I marry you, I do have one condition."

"What?" Lily asked, nervously.

"I want you to scrap those shoes. No more strappy shoes for you.

Lily laughed. "What about in the summer?"

"I don't know… the heels are so high you'll probably fall and die, and Merlin knows I don't want that. I think I'd die without you," James said, his tone getting grave.

"Potter. I'm not going to die. I'm not clumsy. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a fucking vampire."

OO **March 2 **OO

"And I pronounce you man and wife."

Sparks flew out of the speaker's wand, surrounding the newlyweds, who kissed. And didn't stop.

Until, of course, Marlene poked the bride in the back, and the couple quickly broke apart, blushing.

"There are some people who want to wish you well, you know. So, let's get to the reception, already!"

Still blushing, they raised their wands, and the wedding set-up flowed seamlessly into the reception, as waiters came out, bearing flutes of champagne- Sirius flocking to them immediately.

"So," Marlene said. "I guess I never expected you two to get married."

"Why not?"

"Your husband…. Well, he's not exactly the type one marries. Or likes at all."

"Why"-

"Wait… didn't we already go through this? Déjà vu to the max, huh?"

"You stole my wedding," Alice grumped.

"Well, anyway, here's hoping to your wedding being different to theirs- in that you won't have your best friend conceiving at it?" Marlene paused. "Actually… forget that. Here's to hoping I conceive tonight."

And almost as soon as she said that, the guy across the room from her winked at her, and Marlene, after giving an astonished smile to her friends, hurried off to procreate.

Peter stepped up, as next in line, to say, "Your kid will be the luckiest kid in the world. I hope the Dark Lord doesn't target him, and make him end up a premature orphan who doesn't remember you at all."

James and Lily beamed. "Thanks, Peter. Great to have you here."

Remus, who was next in line, tapped Peter on the shoulder, whispering in his ear, "There's some chick called Maggie Thatcher at the door who wants to talk to you."

Peter nodded, and went off to meet his visitor.

We will also go off with him, because, undoubtably, Remus' congratulations will be very boring.

Peter got to the door, and then the Maggie Thatcher there took off her face- to reveal a guy who looked somewhat like a snake.

"Hey… you're not Maggie Thatcher."

"Merlin, no!" Snake-face said. "Maggie Thatcher makes me want to kill myself… well, a lot of things make me want to kill myself. But her bags are rather nice, though…"

"Well, what do you want?"

"Oh… I was wondering… I need to hire an interior designer- would you like to"-

"I'd love to! What's your name?"

"Uh… Lord Voldemort."

"Interesting name. Just as long as this job doesn't interfere with my friends, it's perfect."

"Er, we'll talk about that later."

Meanwhile, while Remus was being boring, Sirius was getting impatient. So he did the natural thing, and pushed Remus aside onto his bum.

"So… like my costume change?" he asked his friends.

Both were speechless- yes, it was _that_ good.

"I know. It's a Cupid costume. Guess it's pointless now, but it seemed to work on that guy that Marlene's with, so, it the shoe fits, right?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Just wait till you see my gift, Lily you'll love it. Oh, who am I kidding- I can't wait. I want to see your expressions, and I already positioned it back at your flat. It's a giant jack-in-the-box. So giant I didn't know if it was going to fit in the flat, right? I had to dent the fridge, and throw the sofa and chairs out the window, but it's alright now, so everything's alright, huh? Well, I have to go prepare my best man speech, so see you in a bit. Or a few seconds. Depends on how long it takes me to write it."

Lily hit her head against James. "Why didn't we make Frank best man?"

"Um… because he's your friend?"

"So? He's your friend too!"

"Yeah, but Marlene's already maid of honor! What about my friends?"

"What, did you want one of your friends to be maid of honor?"

"Poppycock."

"Oh, so you're saying that women aren't worthy of men? Is that what you're saying?"

"Wait, what? Where'd you get that from? _Where?_"

"I'm just saying, that if you're intolerant of"'-

There was a ringing noise, as Sirius tapped his spoon against his champagne glass (until it broke, of course). "Excuse me, excuse me, guys. As the best man, I have a few words to make. Of course, that is, if the bride and groom aren't fighting and contemplating getting a divorce. You aren't, are you, guys?"

James and Lily blushed.

"Uh… that isn't an answer. That's a blush. Should I take that as a yes, and all is good in newlywed-land, or….?"

They nodded.

"Then on with what I was talking about. So, I know as best man I'm supposed to give a funny anecdote about the couple, and then become serious and well-wishing. Well, I'm not. Because, frankly, the anecdotes are not suitably rated for some of the audience. And yes, that means you, Nymphadora," he said, cheekily pointing and grinning at his cousin. "But… if I were to give an anecdote, it would be about all the fighting this couple does, like they were doing just a bit ago. Well, yeah, they pretty much do it all the time. I don't why they got married if all they do is fight, you know? It doesn't seem to me to be a very fun way to spend the rest of eternity, does it? Actually, you may or may not know it, but they had a pretty big fight recently. Almost exactly a month ago. And it was a fight I never thought they'd get over, it was that bad. You should have seen James- trying to gnaw off his arm in misery."

Lily smiled at James, and gave him a peck on the lips.

"Of course, now that I look back on it, it was just a hilarious misunderstanding. If the story weren't too long, or too inappropriate, I would totally tell it to you guys right now. But I can't. I will give you a little taste, though. Just mention some of these things to them, and they will laugh, blush, or punch you. Hopefully not the last one. Unless you're Snape, that is. So, the first is the pair of strappy shoes. A fatal mistake of Lily's in early February, and the main instigator of the fight. Next is a Cupid costume- the one I'm wearing, actually. I know. It's hot, isn't it. For you single ladies out there, my address is- oh, wait, James is glaring at me- never mind. Well, next is the jack-in-the-box. Picture James in a large box, and Lily outside of it. I know, funny image, right? And then there is the most important of them all. Sarah. Or the reason we will all we will all be in this exact position again- unless James somehow snatches the title of best man from underneath me, the squib- er, sorry. Got sidetracked. Anyway, the reason we will all be together again, on her wedding to Remus. Aw… Nymphy, it's alright… Andromeda, some help here? Please, stop crying, Nymphy…Well, all in all, it was as happy Hedgehog Day."

"Groundhog day, Sirius."

"Shut it, Remus."

OO **Epilogue** OO

"Well, Remus, all's right in the world now…."

"But, Sirius, what about hunger, poverty, STDs, cancer, child abuse, rape, genocide, murder, and all of those things?"

"No, no. That doesn't affect us. This is fanfiction, god dammit. Uh, I mean Merlin dammit!"

"What about how Peter goes bad and we all die?"

"Jeez, Remus. That doesn't happen for a few years."

"What about how the author will never get to marry Ron Weasley?"

"I-I-I think I'm going to bed now."

"What about-"

"Shut up, Remus. Shut the fuck up."

AN: So the basic timeline of this is that in November (1979), at the wedding, was when Harry was conceived, and so in January (1980), Lily was three months pregnant. If it seems unbelievable, just suspend your disbelief. I haven't exactly been pregnant before, so… Anyway, reviews would be awesome, and I'd love to hear your favorite lines! Also, how long did it take you to figure out that Lily was pregnant?


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